I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
