I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
