If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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