I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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