my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
