she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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