I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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