just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
