God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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