they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
