You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
