I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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