theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
