my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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