I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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