if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
