We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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