3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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