So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
