I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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