Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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