did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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