so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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