My liver just broke up with me...
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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