he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
