So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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