Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize