you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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