i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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