I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
