my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
