oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize