Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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