I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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