one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
