i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
