I just threw up on my dentist
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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