I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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