he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
