My cat gives me a boner
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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