just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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