you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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