??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
