my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize