life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
