I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
