he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize