I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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