I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
