im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
