The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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