i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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