i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
