i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
