There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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