He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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