I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize