I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
